1. I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts,’ which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.
2. I didn’t think orthopaedic shoes would help, but I stand corrected.
3. What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.
4. Adam & Eve were the first ones to ignore Apple’s terms and conditions.
5. If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.
6. The man who invented Velcro has died. RIP.
7. Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
8. A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks, ‘Is this stool taken?’
9. I can tell when people are being judgmental just by looking at them.
10. The rotation of the Earth really makes my day.
11. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
12. Are people born with photographic memories, or does it take time to develop?
13. Geology rocks, but geography’s where it’s at.
14. I buy all my guns from a guy called T-Rex. He’s a small arms dealer.
15. Four fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Hey! We don’t want your type in here!’
16. A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three. He says, ‘Uno, dos…” and poof! He disappeared without a tres.
17. Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
18. The man who invented knock-knock jokes should get a ‘no bell’ prize.
19. A blind man walked into a bar… and a table… and a chair…
20. I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.
21. ‘I have a split personality,’ said Tom, being Frank.
22. My teachers told me I’d never amount to much because I procrastinate so much. I told them, “Just you wait!”
