A Knock On My Door

Knock Knock… Who’s There? Oh Great, It’s the Apocalypse Sales Team.

So, there I was, quietly sipping my coffee and contemplating whether pants were really necessary today, when I heard a knock at the door. Thinking it might be Amazon delivering yet another questionable impulse purchase, I opened the door – only to find the local creationist chapter had rolled into town like a divine circus, and guess what? I’d won a front-row seat.

The cheerful visitor handed me a copy of the Bible and informed me with the certainty of someone who’s never Googled carbon dating that the Earth is just over 5,000 years old. And Genesis? Undeniably true. Why? Because God said so. Naturally.

Now, for some context – this is not my first rodeo. Years ago, I had a Mormon chap show up, and he introduced himself as “Elder Berry.” I naturally laughed. He didn’t. The seeds of mischief were sown that day.

Now listen, before you start waving your pitchforks around – your personal faith if kept to yourself is fine (however mis-guided), you have the right in today’s free society to believe in what you want. Your faith is your business, just don’t come preaching your ancient and weird patriarch’s bedtime stories to me, particularly while I’m still in my Scooby-Doo pyjamas trying to rescue a burnt piece of toast. I have a huge interest in the history of Religion, but I find the concept of it deeply disturbing. I like facts instead of mysticism.

Back to the Knock Knock. To lighten the mood (and because I’m a bit of a git before noon), I asked the people at my door the classic question: “Did Adam have a belly button?”

The old woman blinked like Windows 95 trying to open Photoshop and Word at the same time. Then muttered, “I presume he did.”

I then tried to explain the umbilical cord and belly button thing. You know – biology. Origins. The whole awkward “created vs born” paradox. She looked like she’d just been asked to recite pi to 100 digits.

Then I followed up with: “How exactly did billions of humans spring from just one man and one woman in a garden with a suspiciously talkative snake?”

I then happened to point out that the God of the Old Testament is/was a homicidal maniac and the biggest mass murderer of all time. With all respect, she took that quite well and explained that God works in mysterious ways. I tried using the argument that I work in mysterious ways at my last visit to the benefit’s office – it didn’t go down too well.

She said the Bible didn’t explain everything and I just needed “faith.”

Faith was indeed restored – when she buggered off, with me shouting “what about Dinosaurs?”. The T-Rex deserves better.

Here’s the thing: if 20 people believe in a magical being with superpowers and dietary restrictions, it’s called a cult. If 20 million believe it, it’s called a religion – and it receives massive tax breaks, political influence, and its own merch line. Blind faith and organised religions are just global corporate cults with better branding?

And another thing: (In the movies) God used to look like Charlton Heston. Now he’s Morgan Freeman. At this rate, he’ll be Ryan Reynolds by 2030.

For a different type of holy guidance, please visit the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster website, and for the love of meatballs, keep an open mind (it’s supposed to be a bit of a laugh), and please don’t take religion or faith so seriously that it fucks up your life.

Most importantly of all – keep those fucking evangelists off my doorstep before 10 a.m.

AMEN to the Moose Almighty!