You’re nothing but a ‘Smelly Turd Pirate’.

I hurt my knee the other day, and you can see the damage from my x-ray.
#hunglikeamoose

I was born Male, I identify as Male, but according to Sainsbury’s Deluxe Sticky Toffee Pudding, I am actually a family of four.

Checking out at the supermarket recently, the young cashier suggested I should bring in my own bags because plastic ones weren’t good for the environment. I apologised and explained that we didn’t have the green thing in our day. The cashier responded, “That it’s our problem today because your generation did not care enough to save our environment for the future generation!”

She was right about 1 thing: we didn’t have the green thing in our day, so what did we have?

After some reflection and soul-searching on our day, here’s what I remembered.

Back then, we returned milk bottles, fizzy pop and beer bottles to the store and the store returned them to the manufacturer, where the bottles were washed sterilised and re-used, so the same bottles were being recycled. But we didn’t have the green thing!

We walked upstairs because we didn’t have escalators and lifts in every store or office building. We walked to the shops and didn’t climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we wanted to go two streets away. But we didn’t have the green thing in our day!

Back then, we washed the baby’s nappies, we didn’t have the throw-away kind. We dried our clothes on a line, not on an energy-gobbling machine burning 240 volts – wind and solar power really did dry our clothes! But we didn’t have the green thing in our day!

Kids got hand-me-downs from their brothers or sisters and not brand-new clothing every time. But we didn’t have the green thing in our day.

Back then, we had 1 TV or radio in the house, not a TV in every room, and the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief, not a screen the size of Wales!

In the kitchen, we blended or stirred by hand, we didn’t have electric machines doing everything for us.

When we packed a parcel for posting, it was wrapped in old newspapers to protect them, not Styrofoam or bubble wrap.

Back then, we didn’t fire up an engine and burn petrol just to cut the grass, we used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working, so we didn’t need to go to the gym or health club to go on a treadmill run on electricity. But we didn’t have the green thing.

Back then, we drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a plastic cup or bottle every time we needed a drink. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying new ones, and we replaced the blades of a razor instead of throwing them away when they went blunt. But we didn’t have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took buses, and kids took their bikes to school or walked instead of Mum being a 24-hour taxi service.

We had 1 electrical outlet in each room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances, and we didn’t need a computerised gadget to receive a signal beamed from a satellite 2,000 miles away in space to find the nearest pizza joint. But we didn’t have the green thing back then.

One final point: In August 1967, the UK Electric Vehicle Association put out a press release stating that Britain had more battery-electric vehicles on its roads than the rest of the world combined. (Source: Wikipedia)

Sadly, the current generation laments how wasteful we older folk were just because we didn’t do the green thing!

Please forward this if you wish to teach another selfish old person a lesson in conservation from a smarty-pants, no it all, up their own arse, ignorant young person!

Is ‘FUCK’ the most versatile word in the English language?

The word ‘Fuck’ must be the most versatile word in the English language. Let’s face it, whenever you say the word ‘Fuck’, its meaning truly reflects the context.

Subtle Example – Why the FUCKING FUCK don’t you FUCKING subscribe to the best FUCKING website in the FUCKING World, you stupid FUCK. Are you a FUCKING FUCKWIT?

You can use it to express anger, surprise, frustration, and pleasure, to name but a few.

Just in case you have any doubts as to the versatility of the word, I have put together a little list as follows: –

• • • Dismay – Oh! Fuck It.
    • Aggression – Fuck You!
    • Passive – Fuck Me.
    • Command – Go Fuck Yourself.
    • Incompetence – He’s a Fuck-Up.
    • Laziness – He doesn’t give a Fuck.
    • Ignorance – He’s a Fucking Jerk.
    • Trouble – I’m Fucked.
    • Confusion – What the Fuck?
    • Despair – I’m Fucked again.
    • Philosophical – Who gives a Fuck?
    • Denial – I don’t Fucking know.
    • Rebellion – Fuck the World.
    • Annoyance – Don’t Fuck with me.
    • Encouragement – Keep Fucking going.
    • Etiquette – Pass the Fucking salt.
    • Identification – Who the Fuck are you?
    • Observation – You’re a dumb-looking Fuck.
    • Agreement – You’re Fucking right.
    • Benevolence – Don’t do me any Fucking favours.

Top Ten Times in History When The ‘F’ Word Was Appropriate.

1. 1. 1. “What the Fuck was that?” – Mayor of Hiroshima, August 1945.
      2. “Where did all these Fucking Indians come from?” – Custer, 1877.
      3. “Any Fucking idiot could understand that.” – Einstein, 1938.
      4. “It does SO Fucking look like her!” – Picasso, 1926.
      5. “How the Fuck did you work that out?” – Pythagoras, 126 BC.
      6. “You want WHAT on the Fucking ceiling?” – Michelangelo, 1566.
      7. “I don’t suppose it’s gonna Fucking rain.” – Joan of Arc, 1434.
      8. “Scattered Fucking showers…my ass!” – Noah, 314 BC.
      9. “I need this parade like I need a Fucking hole in my head!” – JFK, 1963.
      10. “Aw c’mon, Who the Fuck is going to find out?” – Bill Clinton, 1997.

1. I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts,’ which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.

2. I didn’t think orthopaedic shoes would help, but I stand corrected.

3. What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.

4. Adam & Eve were the first ones to ignore Apple’s terms and conditions.

5. If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.

6. The man who invented Velcro has died. RIP.

7. Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

8. A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks, ‘Is this stool taken?’

9. I can tell when people are being judgmental just by looking at them.

10. The rotation of the Earth really makes my day.

11. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

12. Are people born with photographic memories, or does it take time to develop?

13. Geology rocks, but geography’s where it’s at.

14. I buy all my guns from a guy called T-Rex. He’s a small arms dealer.

15. Four fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Hey! We don’t want your type in here!’

16. A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three. He says, ‘Uno, dos…” and poof! He disappeared without a tres.

17. Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

18. The man who invented knock-knock jokes should get a ‘no bell’ prize.

19. A blind man walked into a bar… and a table… and a chair…

20. I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.

21. ‘I have a split personality,’ said Tom, being Frank.

22. My teachers told me I’d never amount to much because I procrastinate so much. I told them, “Just you wait!”