You’re nothing but a ‘Smelly Turd Pirate’.
I hurt my knee the other day, and you can see the damage from my x-ray.
#hunglikeamoose
I was born Male, I identify as Male, but according to Sainsbury’s Deluxe Sticky Toffee Pudding, I am actually a family of four.
Checking out at the supermarket recently, the young cashier suggested I should bring in my own bags because plastic ones weren’t good for the environment. I apologised and explained that we didn’t have the green thing in our day. The cashier responded, “That it’s our problem today because your generation did not care enough to save our environment for the future generation!”
She was right about 1 thing: we didn’t have the green thing in our day, so what did we have?
After some reflection and soul-searching on our day, here’s what I remembered.
Back then, we returned milk bottles, fizzy pop and beer bottles to the store and the store returned them to the manufacturer, where the bottles were washed sterilised and re-used, so the same bottles were being recycled. But we didn’t have the green thing!
We walked upstairs because we didn’t have escalators and lifts in every store or office building. We walked to the shops and didn’t climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we wanted to go two streets away. But we didn’t have the green thing in our day!
Back then, we washed the baby’s nappies, we didn’t have the throw-away kind. We dried our clothes on a line, not on an energy-gobbling machine burning 240 volts – wind and solar power really did dry our clothes! But we didn’t have the green thing in our day!
Kids got hand-me-downs from their brothers or sisters and not brand-new clothing every time. But we didn’t have the green thing in our day.
Back then, we had 1 TV or radio in the house, not a TV in every room, and the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief, not a screen the size of Wales!
In the kitchen, we blended or stirred by hand, we didn’t have electric machines doing everything for us.
When we packed a parcel for posting, it was wrapped in old newspapers to protect them, not Styrofoam or bubble wrap.
Back then, we didn’t fire up an engine and burn petrol just to cut the grass, we used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working, so we didn’t need to go to the gym or health club to go on a treadmill run on electricity. But we didn’t have the green thing.
Back then, we drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a plastic cup or bottle every time we needed a drink. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying new ones, and we replaced the blades of a razor instead of throwing them away when they went blunt. But we didn’t have the green thing back then.
Back then, people took buses, and kids took their bikes to school or walked instead of Mum being a 24-hour taxi service.
We had 1 electrical outlet in each room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances, and we didn’t need a computerised gadget to receive a signal beamed from a satellite 2,000 miles away in space to find the nearest pizza joint. But we didn’t have the green thing back then.
One final point: In August 1967, the UK Electric Vehicle Association put out a press release stating that Britain had more battery-electric vehicles on its roads than the rest of the world combined. (Source: Wikipedia)
Sadly, the current generation laments how wasteful we older folk were just because we didn’t do the green thing!
Please forward this if you wish to teach another selfish old person a lesson in conservation from a smarty-pants, no it all, up their own arse, ignorant young person!
The word ‘Fuck’ must be the most versatile word in the English language. Let’s face it, whenever you say the word ‘Fuck’, its meaning truly reflects the context.
Subtle Example – Why the FUCKING FUCK don’t you FUCKING subscribe to the best FUCKING website in the FUCKING World, you stupid FUCK. Are you a FUCKING FUCKWIT?
You can use it to express anger, surprise, frustration, and pleasure, to name but a few.
Just in case you have any doubts as to the versatility of the word, I have put together a little list as follows: –
1. I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts,’ which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.
2. I didn’t think orthopaedic shoes would help, but I stand corrected.
3. What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.
4. Adam & Eve were the first ones to ignore Apple’s terms and conditions.
5. If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.
6. The man who invented Velcro has died. RIP.
7. Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
8. A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks, ‘Is this stool taken?’
9. I can tell when people are being judgmental just by looking at them.
10. The rotation of the Earth really makes my day.
11. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
12. Are people born with photographic memories, or does it take time to develop?
13. Geology rocks, but geography’s where it’s at.
14. I buy all my guns from a guy called T-Rex. He’s a small arms dealer.
15. Four fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Hey! We don’t want your type in here!’
16. A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three. He says, ‘Uno, dos…” and poof! He disappeared without a tres.
17. Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
18. The man who invented knock-knock jokes should get a ‘no bell’ prize.
19. A blind man walked into a bar… and a table… and a chair…
20. I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.
21. ‘I have a split personality,’ said Tom, being Frank.
22. My teachers told me I’d never amount to much because I procrastinate so much. I told them, “Just you wait!”
Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1973 – Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best mates.
2023 – Police are called, Armed Response Unit arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. Mobiles with video of fight confiscated as evidence. They are charged with assault, ASBOs are taken out and both are suspended even though Johnny started it. Diversionary conferences and parent meetings were conducted. The video is shown on 6 internet sites.
Scenario: Jeffrey won’t sit still in class, disrupting other students.
1973 – Jeffrey is sent to the principal’s office and given 6 of the best. Returns to class, sits still, and does not disrupt the class again.
2023 – Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counselled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. The school gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario: Billy breaks the window of his neighbour’s car, and his dad gives him the slipper.
1973 – Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2023 – Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The psychologist tells Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy’s mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.
Scenario: Mark, a college student, brings cigarettes to school.
1973 – Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out in the smoking area.
2023 – Police are called, and Mark is arrested for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario: Mohammed fails high school English.
1973 – Mohammed retakes his exam, passes, and goes to college.
2023 – Mohammed’s cause is taken up by a local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. Civil Liberties Association files a class action lawsuit against the state school system and his English teacher. English is banned from the core curriculum. Mohammed is given his qualification anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model plane and blows up an anthill.
1973 – Ants die.
2023 – MI5 and police are called, and Johnny is charged with perpetrating acts of terrorism. Teams investigate parents. Siblings are removed from the home. Computers are confiscated, and Johnny’s dad goes on a terror watch list.
Scenario: Johnny falls during break and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying and gives him a hug to comfort him.
1973 – Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.
2023 – Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy and now identifies as a cat.
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians passed on from generation to generation, says that;
“When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount”.
However, in government, more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:
And of course, finally…..
Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.
If you don’t understand this theory, you haven’t lived long enough.
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
Later I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now and am just looking for a girl with big tits.
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved”. Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross”.
The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance”. The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards”. They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide”. The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender”. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing”. Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides”.
The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs”. They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose”.
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels …
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be right, Mate”. Two more escalation levels remain “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled”. So far no situation has ever warranted the use of the final escalation level.
I had a knock on my door the other day and discovered the ‘creationists’ were in town. I was presented with a book called the Bible and I was informed that the Earth was no more than 5000 years old and the story of Genesis was undeniably true because it was the word of God.
Ever since I had a Mormon bloke come around many years ago, introducing himself as ‘Elder Berry’ (I found it funny – he didn’t), I have always liked to have a bit of harmless fun with these people. Now, please understand me, if you have a belief and/or faith, that is your right and I will fight for your right to have that faith but don’t expect me to welcome those beliefs when I was having such a peaceful morning minding my own business.
I simply asked if ‘Adam had a belly button?’ She was puzzled but said she presumed so. I then explained that he must have been born rather than created, you know, the umbilical cord and all that. I also asked how a whole race of billions of humans could have derived from just one couple. Apparently, the Bible doesn’t explain everything and I must have faith.
My faith was restored when she buggered off!
Since this episode, I have been searching for the answer to life, the universe and everything (I know it’s 42) and have at last found something worthy of my belief and faith. I have become a ‘Pastafarian’ and now worship The Flying Spaghetti Monster. It would appear that it is He who created the world and I am now glad I have been touched by his noodly appendages.
For more information please visit The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and for God’s sake please keep an open mind and accept the site for what it is.
I don’t have a problem with faith, but I do have a serious problem with organised religion. 20 people believing in some supernatural being is called a CULT, and 20 million people believing in the same thing is called a RELIGION.
Question to most religions – Please explain where the fuck Dinosaurs come into play.
